Monday, May 9, 2011

Shattered Dreams

My dreams have changed a lot of the years. One thing I have always said is "Just because a dream is shattered, doesn't mean you can't use the shards."

When I was 18 I had no idea what I wanted...apart from the slow burning flame telling me I wanted to write. When I was 23 I wanted out of the emotionally abusive relationship I was in but had no idea how, and still I wrote. At 25 I wanted to stay living in Japan forever. At 27 I wanted to graduate so I could go back and live in Japan, and write about it.

Then I found myself working for the next 6 or so years in a job that wasn't right for me. Sure, the hours were great and the people were great but the job itself? Not so great. Not when you're against gambling in the first place. But, still I wrote.

I had my degree in writing, and I decided to start on my masters. I made the mistake of getting a fulltime job in a hell hole and my whole life exploded. I had major anxiety for the next 12 or so months until I was offered my old job back. Still, I wrote. I wrote a lot in that time.

I applied for the film course I'd known I was meant to do for a few years and was accepted. I wrote a little less.

A dear friend passed and I found myself caring for his widow. I write even less. But, now I'm in the 2nd year of my studies and I have to write direct and produce each piece.

But, writing is still where my heart lies. Writing is still what I know I am meant to be doing. And, so it is what I will do.

I need to find the self discipline I once had... back in the day when I was writing oh so much Buffy fanfic. Stuff that makes me cringe now but was so much fun back then. I need to have fun with it again. Write just because I can....just to see where the words lead.

Yeah, it's a hard industry to break into... but these days with self publishing so easy it's not as hard as it once was. I know my characters, I am just waiting for them to tell me their story. I know that as one writes the flow improves. The more you put it off the more stilted it becomes.

I know all the tricks. What's to stop me from using them again?

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